The Lighthouse

 My Love and Lighthouse

The Lighthouse.

He was the sky,

slate gray and unforgiving,

rolling sparks forming

in clouds of growing darkness.

He was the sea, 

vast and unchanging,

the tumultuous tide, a ruse

to the dark uncaring waters,

of the deep.

~

Where the sea met the sky,

that vast and spacious horizon.

Even then,

there was not enough room.

The crashing of thunder was the beginning

and the salt in the water filled the air.

He hated himself and the lie he was living.

He was the storm,

the waters,

and the air.

~

But he was a man in his raft,

rowing out to see a distant storm,

to die in the deep,

to cast his oars to the depths,

a death by his own devices.

He traveled that distance,

the sound of rain on waves

and roaring thunder,

too familiar to ignore.

The storm was vast.

and he would know it once more.

Its power, his hope for the end.

His raft would sink

into that matching depth,

and he would finally be at peace.

~

And then he saw the lighthouse,

how it stood against the horizon.

Bearing that weight of a broken sky and bloodied sea,

and still, it knew its deference.

And he knew it too, and he gazed once more:

At the storm,

its thunder could not match her light

contained.

At the sea,

whose waters were pierced by her gaze.

He saw the monsters in their depths,

reflecting on the raining waters.

And he knew it too, so he gripped his oars 

and made his penance.

Bearing the weight of a broken sky, and bloodied sea.

    I love someone now. I have loved her for what feels like a lifetime. She is the second half of my dedication in Love Between Darkness and the inspiration of the fourth section titled "Love". Where the Crystalline Flower was my past, which ended abruptly and painfully, my Scarlet Rose is my present and future, which has anchored me while I was lost in the chaos.

    When I first started writing Love Between Darkness, the first iteration of the book only had three sections. "Love and Loss", "Between", and "Darkness". I was new to writing, and I had planned to structure my book according to the themes of each poem. This originally meant that all of the poems for my Scarlet Rose would be with all of the other love poems. Needless to say, that was a terrible idea. Not only would that mean that my book would have ended in the "Darkness" section, which is not a very pleasant section to end on, it would also downplay the meaning of the Scarlet Rose and would not accurately represent what she means in my life.

    For the sake of truth and beauty, I decided to separate all of the love poems about her into a different section and have her section close out the book. I did this for 2 reasons. The first is simply because I see Love Between Darkness as the past events which have lead me to who I am today. My Beloved, is the most recent and most iconic gift that has marked my life so far, that means chronologically, it would only make sense that she ends a book created about my past. The second reason I separated her section was a secret and I promise that I made to myself and to her. 

    For all of my writing and analysis of love, I happened to be terrible at it. I have had more relationships that I am willing to admit. I have had more muses and more failings than anyone else that I know. I blame myself of course, for being too ignorant and too close minded to realize what love was. It took a long time for me to learn that love is a choice, and relationships are meant to be hard. I had to disillusion myself from the lie that love is all about that sense of infatuation and sense of gratification found in another person. I had to learn that love is based on the appreciation of another persons beauty, found in the selection of their values, and that a relationship is the sharpening of one another and the accountability of holding and being held to what you say and think you value. This means that for love to work for a lifetime, two things must be true. The first is that both individuals must hold similar values and that both members must be willing and able to constantly recommit themselves to their partner because of the appreciation for the other person's character. With that being said, I have never met anyone who loves what I love, and values what I value as much as my Scarlet Rose. I have never respected a romantic partner as much as I respect her. She is beautiful, strange and awfully silly. I adore her and she has sharpened me and held me to what I believe. She is driven and strong. She was my strength when I was injured at OCS and I believed that I had failed. She held me as I wept. When the world crumbled to dust around me, and the certainty of my success and my future dissolved before my eyes, when my Crystalline Flower abandoned me, and it felt as if everything I had worked for went up in smoke, and I would no longer be able to continue on in life. She was there. Her love was calm and steadfast. She sacrificed for me in that moment and in many moments since, and I have known agape love through her demonstration.

    I love, respect and hope to cherish her for the rest of my life. I have told myself that if I am not able to be with her. Than there is no way I am able to be with anyone. Before, we are even wed, I have told myself that this is it. She is it. No one else will suffice. I will do everything in my power to treat her as she deserves to be treated, and love her as she deserves to be loved. My dedication to her in "Love Between Darkness" is my own personal commitment and promise that she is my future, and everyone who owns a copy of my book serves as my witness. I do not break promises, and each copy of my book is a concrete and tangible promise that I will love her well. My past is over and the regrets and mistakes have long been gone but not forgotten. My future, although shifting and changing.... has a love and a lighthouse to guide me forward.

The Lighthouse Analysis and Meaning

The Lighthouse: Overview

    Unlike most of my poetry, which focuses on rhyme and meter, The Lighthouse focuses on the structure of each stanza and the spacing of each line. Each stanza in reference to the man (sky, sea, and man) is actually justified left and indented numerous times. This poem is written that way in order to use the spacing as a method of organization within the poem and to make the lighthouse as the real center within the piece, both in a narrative sense and physically within the work. If you analyze the actual structure of The Lighthouse, you would see that all of the stanzas pertaining to the lighthouse are actually center aligned, and that the poem in its entirety is shaped like a lighthouse. I wrote it so that when under scrutiny, the reader would draw less about the man and his chaos, and see the lighthouse and its influence as larger and more important than the storm, the ocean and the man.

    Each of the central themes and shifts in focus of the poem are separated by a "~" which I use as a form of proto-punctuation that helps readers navigate through the poem. The first section of the poem, (stanza 1) is meant to introduce 2 of the 3 primary aspects of me as a character in the poem. The second section of The Lighthouse (stanza 2 and 3) is meant to convey my internal struggle, through the metaphor of the horizon. The third section, (stanzas 4-7) introduces the last of the 3 aspects of my being and the struggle between all three aspects. The last section (stanzas 8-11)  centers only on the lighthouse and its influence.

The Lighthouse: Sections 1-3 Breakdown

    The poem opens by first introducing a character split into 2 and then 3 different aspects. The sky and sea are both forms of chaos. I wrote this section to reflect my own personal struggle. The sky is a reflection of a corrupt and fracturing superego, whose values have been tested and have failed. The sea is a reflection of the id, apathetic and unable to conform. In psychology, the superego is typically seen as a net positive, the part of the mind that reflects higher values and order, down to the id and the ego. But if an individual, high in conscientiousness, had values that were amoral in nature, like efficiency, power and control, than the superego, although aware and concerned about morality, would be easily corrupted because the values it maintains are not necessarily moral in nature. That sky is me. I spent a large portion of my life concerned with control and power, and upon the confrontation of a disaster outside of my control, I was unable to cope well. In contrast to the sky, the sea is a reflection of my id. It is the chaos of apathy and the disregard for the good given to me. The sea reflects my own personal ingratitude of what I have, and what was freely given to me. It is the knowledge that apathy is an easy cope and crutch against personal growth.

    The second section is a physical representation of the struggle between the id and the superego. The horizon which is usually used to represent, hope, a future and opportunity, instead only reflects struggle and pain. I wanted to convey an overwhelming and seemingly endless struggle between 2 opposing sides that are equally destructive and brutal. This section transitions into the 3rd aspect of my being.

    In the third section I present my ego and the reality of who I am as comparatively small, powerless and ill equipped. It is here in the third section where the separation of the sky and sea transforms not only as a metaphor for an internal struggle but a parallel to the real and physical struggle I have against my situation. It is in this third section where I convey my personal sense of hopelessness and my desire to surrender to the elements and die both spiritually and physically. The third section ends with a bleak form of peace, found in death rather than life. It is on the edge of true despair and the surrendering of my existence where I finally find hope.

The Lighthouse: Section 4 Breakdown

    The last section begins center aligned. It is a representation of the order and the stability found in the lighthouse and conveys how all of the aspects within the poem, bend to the authority and the significance of the lighthouse. The lighthouse represents the agape love of my Scarlet Rose and the overarching love of Christ that has been demonstrated to me. It is in this final section that the ego, which was previously powerless, is able to properly analyze and orient itself against its environment. It is compared to the lighthouse where the id and the superego, along with the natural environment seem to shrink in power. From the assurance of the lighthouse, I am able to endure. It is not that the other warring elements actually subside in their torrent, rather it is the renewed strength found in something which can endure greater, that the man, I, am able to go on. Additionally, this poem hold one of the only two poems that have lines that are underlined. I purposefully linked this line with a completely seperate poem in the "love" section in order to draw a conclusion about the true significance of the lighthouse.

    The last notable piece in this section revolves around the man (ego) confronting both the sea as id and as a physical force. In the poem when the man looks at the sea, whom he is about to surrender himself to, he sees reflections of monsters within their depths. I purposefully chose to reflect the monster to implicate the man in the destruction around him. He who was troubled in nature, has always been a monster. It is only through the proper light and orientation of the lighthouse that his nature is revealed to himself. If the id and the superego are both terrible and warring, it only makes sense that the ego, though suffering, is also terrible as well. The solution for the suffering of the ego is not to give up and surrender to the id, but rather to confront it opening, with proper orientation on the good, and to renew in resolve. Likewise, the proper way to confront greater trials in life, is not to surrender, but to reorient, and push back with greater resolve.

    If God can endure my burdens, and if my love believes in my ability to continue on. Surely I am able to endure. Surely I can continue. The poem, and book ends, center aligned. It is the acknowledgement of the strength of the lighthouse and the reflection of that strength given to me.

A Love and a Lighthouse.

    This analysis may not be as eloquent as my other blog posts, but it is real and it is honest. I love my Scarlet Rose because she is unlike any other. She is strong when others are weak. She has endured where others have fallen and forsaken me. She is the only woman I have ever met to go toe to toe with me on philosophy, and theology. She is the only person that has walked alongside me rather than behind. When I am weak, she is there. When she is weak, I am there. It is through her grace that I have been reminded of God's goodness in my life. She is my love and my lighthouse.