a problem only of the heart

I cycle between knowing brokeness and knowing the answer to brokeness. And yet it is so diffficult to not be broken. It is a measure of the weight of existential dread and human hubirus that I find myself always seeking more, even when everything I need and everything I should want has already been given to me. I am the people of Israel, delivered and redeemed, who look to a calf of gold rather than to the God above.

What is 30k more to the Lord? What is a wardrobe of watches compared to the love of my wife?

I know I am a fool for I have everything, and yet want more. Truly, the love of money is the root of all evil. Truly I am wretched and poor in the way that matters. There is no amount of money or pride that can save me from the enduring pit of my greedly soul. I know the weight of God's glory and yet I think only of 401ks, IRAs, and tax brokerage accounts in my time of need. In the morning I mourn what I do not yet have rather than rejoice in what has been provided to me.

And so in a moment of livid clarity I know the truth.

I am thankful. I must be, or I will lose what I know to be truth. The Lord is good and the time will come when little glory turns to a lifetime of greatness. I love and I am loved and that was enough for my Lord and should be enough for me.

The problem does not lie with my job, my path or my past. The problem lies with me.

To love the Lord and to love my wife is a simple endeavor whose pursuit will last a lifetime.

And truly, it is enough.